Dear Relative,
This is an interesting question and one that is hard to answer. People fall in love with others for a lot of reasons and in a lot of ways. Some Tribal families have what are called “arraigned marriages” where two families talk about and negotiate relationships between a couple. Some people would rather be in relationship with someone of the same ethnic back ground and some not. I cannot say who anyone should be in a relationship with. But I have some thoughts on what a GOOD relationship can look like.
Every good relationship looks a little different. But what I can tell you is that there are some things that every good relationship, no matter how old, new, normal, strange, or undefined it is have to have. These things are:
Communicating (2 parts)
- Means that you can talk with your partner openly about problems without shouting or yelling. A tip for doing this is waiting until you’ve cooled off and are even headed before talking about serious issues…if things get too heated take a break and start again. The more you talk to better you both will get at it…but it has to start somewhere. It is definitely a skill.
- Make consensual sexual decisions. This is incredibly important for every relationship. It means that you can talk openly about sexual decisions together. This means talking about what is OK and what is not OK for each person.
Respect
- This means listening to each other in a way that values the other person’s culture, beliefs, opinions, and boundaries.
Trust
- When you do things that uplift the other person, things that are kind and considerate. Then you will earn trust from the other person.
Honesty
- Means that you are consistently straightforward with each other. This doesn’t mean that you have to share everything…just the things that you know are important for the other person to know.
Equality
- This means that you share making decision with your partner and you respect the other person’s ideas…sometimes it’s just about taking turns.
Person Space
- This one’s a big one for me…I feel the better I am, the better I can be in my relationship. For me that means, taking time out for myself…to make sure I’m doing the things that make me happy. This might mean going for a walk by myself, taking time to journal, or going to a coffee shop by myself…just enjoying some ‘me’ time.
- But you should do the things that fuel you…the great thing is that you get to decide what those things are…and more than likely they will change throughout your life.
Thanks for submitting this question.
Auntie Manda
